The blooming of a womb


I am privileged to watch womb’s bloom. From a tiny teeny little bud of a being to filling up the whole womb with no space to move. From a dot of a heart beat with unfolded heart to a racing raging beating beast of a heart from which the life force flows.

It is a miracle before my eyes and plays out in different ways each time. The fusion of an egg and a sperm that happens so easily sometimes and with so much pain and difficulty at other times.

Life unfolds literally. It starts as and egg and a sperm which merge and then divide and divide and divide until the trophoblast bursts forth a little heart (unfolded) which then takes up the fold. The embryo tucked into itself almost like a little sea horse which then spirals in on itself to further divide and subdivide until by 12 weeks all the organs are formed. Poetry in motion.  A privilege to witness. An 8mm miracle at 7 weeks that grows steadily and miraculously until the birth thereof.

Life, the life force, the presence or absence of a new life. It is a strange beautiful mystery of a miracle and it gets me every time.

To love or not to love


I wonder upon love today. It is to me a great enigma. A very odd journey that seems confused a very great majority of the time.

Inborn, inbreed a deep hole of desire that reaches out like tendrils in an almost constant fashion and is either requited or unrequited. If only the majority of cups were full I think the world would be a better place.

Understanding each other, men and women, is all at once extremely complicated and sublimely simple. A choice really. A dying to self. Some are not capable.

The love of another seems something no man (or woman) can do without and yet so few have their innermost deep yearning fulfilled.

Some of us choose wrong, some of us make very big mistakes that can’t be undone. Some of us are just too strong willed. Sad really. Intimacy makes for greater inner strength if the sum of two parts is greater than themselves on their own and also makes a way stronger soul fly much higher on another plane.

Loving is indeed dying in many ways. Some just can not or will not die and so will never fly. Not on earth in this finite body.

And yet dying to self can be so freeing.

Love is certainly not only physical, it is so much more.

Love is strong, in it resides the greatest power there is in this world. So few are able to access it – a good thing in a sense.

So, love, reserved only for a few. Some only experience it in the twilight zone of their lives once life has ground away the rot that must go. Some are born lights of love and it shines out of every pore from day one and grows steadily in a selfless way for all to see it unmistakably.

Requited love oh what a thing, can move mountains. Unrequited seems to turn into a horrible monster that destroys much both physical and spiritual. Oh that it could all be requited.

Coxsackie,yuppie flu, post viral fatigue


Anybody who has not witnessed firsthand or experienced this evil is willy-nilly able to say that this vile vulgar viral disease is “all in your head”. I can tell you that there is no-one on this green earth who voluntarily goes through the ordeal that comes with this virus. It literally flattens you in more ways than one.

I have seen countless patients afflicted with it and whilst “science” on many levels questions this disease (instead of getting on with more accurate diagnosis) it is a disease that no-one wants and is more than happy to get rid of the day it leaves their bodies.

I have to ask though why the medical profession at large is sceptical and ridiculously pathetic when it comes to diagnosis as well as treatment (of which there is little). And once again in my mind it goes back to something similar to semelweiss. The washing of hands idea disdained by so many pompous egotistical physicians turned out to be one of the most important discoveries of science and prevention of transmission of disease. Why are we so arrogant? Who gave us this “god” complex?

When we don’t fully understand something or don’t know we simply say it must not/can not exist and therefore the patient themselves must be “mad” ????????????

Surely surely we have gone past this aged way of thinking ?

No, alas it seems we have not. We will not admit we don’t know. Rather make it the patients added problem.

I think it is sad and poor.

I only hope that none of these arrogant physicians ever actually come down with it as they may lose their egos in the process.viruss

Google the semelweiss history – it’s interesting and very very sad. Sad because why can we not drop ego and rather try to understand what the very truth of the matter indeed may be.

Pump for me or not for me?


Report back : We had a marvellous discussion about pumps on wednesday evening. Highly enjoyable and informative, even our pump patient learnt something.

JOIn us today : On wednesday night 530 pm in Hilton Pietermaritzburg we will be holding an informal hour discussion about pumps -insulin pump therapy. What is pump therapy ? Who “qualifies”? What is the benefit. Is it for everyone who injects insulin?

Feel free to join us for free for an hour to explore the “pump market” in south africa and get first hand feedback from “pump” patients 😉

The truth -why white people should stop whining and the whole country should stand together and DEMAND democracy


The real bonafide truth – what is that? In south africa at the moment -what is the truth? What are the bonafide real real indisputable hard FACTS?

I think it is hard. The reality of the average homeless or jobless person is very very far removed from the average Gupta family member or for that matter cabinet member who spends as much as “butter belly” Dlamini on travel in one year.

I think its impossible to know where the likes of those with brains stand at the moment. We have a new word – to “mantash” – it’s to do a 180 degree turn in opinion in a matter of a few days. How does one reconcile this “change in attitude” with the real truth of the matter?

I think there is so much we do not understand about our president’s agenda. I think we are in for a very rude awakening. He is not going anywhere. He has a lot of dirt on a lot of people. What is the truth behind this man?

History proves that good does not win in the short term. We can look at Hilter and Stalin and HF Verwoerd and South Sudan and Robert Mugabe. These men and places are evil personified and caused suffering for the masses but yet prevailed. They ruled. They dictated. They dictate.

The truth is scary. As a white minority in south africa our future is indeed bleak. I can not see how this could be different. The sad part for me is where does that leave the masses of underpriveledge people who are currently once again a pawn in a chess game?

The truth is that they will never be “considered” in a kind way in terms of their own future either. Used -yes. Promised – yes. But deliver? No – not if you look at the truth of the matter.

Mugabe has literally gotten away with murder on many accounts. He raped and pillaged Zimbabwe’s treasury and guess what – he remains. At the ripe old age that he is.

Think long and hard about what you really can do? I am not saying do nothing. But it will take a LOT more than marches etc, petitions etc and “white whining” to get this mess sorted. And if history is anything to go by – the future is bleak.

No I do not want that – but I am trying to wake you -yes YOU up to the reality of what it is going to take. We have spineless people (they have brains) in parliament – the chances of a vote of no confidence is extremely slim.

If you really care about this country and ALL it’s countrymen what we need now is more than a miracle.

From the bottom of my heart


I had not even really “touched” down after having fairly major surgery when my world was rocked. A phone call at 5 am with a simultaneous 3 year old vomitting on me. A very very anxious morning of much prayer and many phone calls ensued after “news” that would put chills down anyone’s spine (let alone a doctor).

One realises one’s extremely fragile place in this world when a close family member scrapes way too close to moving into the next world. Life is simply not simple and death even more of a mystery.

From the bottom of my heart and those of my family members I would like to thank the extremely competent and life saving actions of a young lady doctor in the Port Alfred Hospital. She not only immediately diagnosed correctly but set in motion a path of action that truly saved my dad’s life. All too many times we criticise the state health department and all too many times lives are indeed lost due to tardiness and incompetence.

So when things turn out in a way that gives an entire family a new life and a new chance I have to shout it from the roof tops. To all the members of the team on the Port Alfred side as well as the Port Elizabeth Green Acres Netcare hospital a sincere thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Time is indeed critical in the events of a heart attack. Time is muscle they say and for strokes time is brain. For anyone out there who has someone who has chest pain the best you can do is get that person to a hospital as soon as possible and for them to have an ecg (electrocardiograph).

Thank you!

Surgery as a patient


The hardest 2 things I have ever had to do is deliver 2 babies. Yes I did do it naturally and perhaps at the age of 37 and 39 I should have listened to the wise advice of so many colleagues and had 2 planned caesars. I wanted the very best for the two angels that I had waited so many years for and I believed going through the birth canal was that. What I did not realise is what it would take out of and from me.

Delivering a child naturally comes with a lot of waiting (patience has never been my forte). It then involves an “older” body “co-operating” with the birth process. If that had all happened “naturally” I guess it may have been different. My body needed help and in the second birth it needed an ocean of a medication called oxytocin (syntocinon). This very large dose into my system helped my 39 year old uterus contract in order to deliver one 3.5 kg baby.

I will keep you in a bit of suspense, like a bit of a thriller novel.

I have just (last friday) had surgery – 4 years after my precious second child’s birth. It was an operation to effectively remove my uterus. This organ that has caused a fair amount of poor quality of life. The surgeon was extremely happy with his operation (they usually are) and presented me with a photo of the wretched organ and great news that it had gone swimmingly.

Wind back 4 years. I had just delivered a baby at around 3 am in the morning. The team were tired. God knows they had had me in chunks. No nursing staff are ever delighted to “nurse” a lady doctor – goes against many grains. I was lying in a lot of blood and had already started to bleed. I was in a fair amount of pain considering I had already delivered a child. The pain escalated, the nausea escalated, the bleeding escalated. I called for help so to speak and was told to shut up and sleep (in my own blood) they had really had enough of me for one night. I tried again. I phoned a friend – no one was up at 4 am. I tried my husband – his phone was off – he was trying to sleep after a hell of a night. I phoned the neighbour and asked him to wake my husband and come to the hospital.

AT one point I left my body and watched mayhem from above.

I woke up – well “arrived” back in my body about 2 days later having been taken to theatre, resuscitated, transfused etc. They never did figure out what was causing my pain 4 years ago. I started on a long journey of recovery mentally, physically and emotionally.

The surgeon showed me (this last saturday)

what happened – my uterus had ruptured and well lets just say the human body is an amazing thing.

I do certainly wish that it had been discovered 4 years ago for a few reasons. The very first and most important being my marriage which suffered greatly for the rupture. The second being the suffering that could so easily have been avoided. I can actually deal with a fair amount (though I do believe my pain threshold is useless), but my wish would be for another women to not have to go through the journey I have travelled. The third being the faith I have lost in my own “kind”. Never did I think it possible to be treated the way I was that night or on 3 occasions where all I really wanted was an apology from the midwife and all staff closed rank and called me something close to a lunatic and just bloody well get over this and move on.

Well I can now. Move on.

I can also say that a hysterectomy is a relative walk in the park. Almost a non-event. Yes I had pain post-op and yes I required the strong stuff. But 2 days later I was not on anything for pain and today I feel like I could run a marathon (I won’t for all those urging me to rest).

Life is an interesting journey and some of the suffering actually helps create focus and for that I am grateful. The most awesome part is just beginning – a journey with Dave and my two girls.