Category Archives: preganacy

The blooming of a womb


I am privileged to watch womb’s bloom. From a tiny teeny little bud of a being to filling up the whole womb with no space to move. From a dot of a heart beat with unfolded heart to a racing raging beating beast of a heart from which the life force flows.

It is a miracle before my eyes and plays out in different ways each time. The fusion of an egg and a sperm that happens so easily sometimes and with so much pain and difficulty at other times.

Life unfolds literally. It starts as and egg and a sperm which merge and then divide and divide and divide until the trophoblast bursts forth a little heart (unfolded) which then takes up the fold. The embryo tucked into itself almost like a little sea horse which then spirals in on itself to further divide and subdivide until by 12 weeks all the organs are formed. Poetry in motion.  A privilege to witness. An 8mm miracle at 7 weeks that grows steadily and miraculously until the birth thereof.

Life, the life force, the presence or absence of a new life. It is a strange beautiful mystery of a miracle and it gets me every time.

Surgery as a patient


The hardest 2 things I have ever had to do is deliver 2 babies. Yes I did do it naturally and perhaps at the age of 37 and 39 I should have listened to the wise advice of so many colleagues and had 2 planned caesars. I wanted the very best for the two angels that I had waited so many years for and I believed going through the birth canal was that. What I did not realise is what it would take out of and from me.

Delivering a child naturally comes with a lot of waiting (patience has never been my forte). It then involves an “older” body “co-operating” with the birth process. If that had all happened “naturally” I guess it may have been different. My body needed help and in the second birth it needed an ocean of a medication called oxytocin (syntocinon). This very large dose into my system helped my 39 year old uterus contract in order to deliver one 3.5 kg baby.

I will keep you in a bit of suspense, like a bit of a thriller novel.

I have just (last friday) had surgery – 4 years after my precious second child’s birth. It was an operation to effectively remove my uterus. This organ that has caused a fair amount of poor quality of life. The surgeon was extremely happy with his operation (they usually are) and presented me with a photo of the wretched organ and great news that it had gone swimmingly.

Wind back 4 years. I had just delivered a baby at around 3 am in the morning. The team were tired. God knows they had had me in chunks. No nursing staff are ever delighted to “nurse” a lady doctor – goes against many grains. I was lying in a lot of blood and had already started to bleed. I was in a fair amount of pain considering I had already delivered a child. The pain escalated, the nausea escalated, the bleeding escalated. I called for help so to speak and was told to shut up and sleep (in my own blood) they had really had enough of me for one night. I tried again. I phoned a friend – no one was up at 4 am. I tried my husband – his phone was off – he was trying to sleep after a hell of a night. I phoned the neighbour and asked him to wake my husband and come to the hospital.

AT one point I left my body and watched mayhem from above.

I woke up – well “arrived” back in my body about 2 days later having been taken to theatre, resuscitated, transfused etc. They never did figure out what was causing my pain 4 years ago. I started on a long journey of recovery mentally, physically and emotionally.

The surgeon showed me (this last saturday)

what happened – my uterus had ruptured and well lets just say the human body is an amazing thing.

I do certainly wish that it had been discovered 4 years ago for a few reasons. The very first and most important being my marriage which suffered greatly for the rupture. The second being the suffering that could so easily have been avoided. I can actually deal with a fair amount (though I do believe my pain threshold is useless), but my wish would be for another women to not have to go through the journey I have travelled. The third being the faith I have lost in my own “kind”. Never did I think it possible to be treated the way I was that night or on 3 occasions where all I really wanted was an apology from the midwife and all staff closed rank and called me something close to a lunatic and just bloody well get over this and move on.

Well I can now. Move on.

I can also say that a hysterectomy is a relative walk in the park. Almost a non-event. Yes I had pain post-op and yes I required the strong stuff. But 2 days later I was not on anything for pain and today I feel like I could run a marathon (I won’t for all those urging me to rest).

Life is an interesting journey and some of the suffering actually helps create focus and for that I am grateful. The most awesome part is just beginning – a journey with Dave and my two girls.

Women uniting


One thing’s for sure it seems that women have found a voice and their inside beast has been shaken and woken. Riled. No longer will we put up with atrocities of the past and trying to be silenced by patriarchy.

It is not ok to carry on the way Donald Trump has on videos etc and think that this can be swept under some great big male carpet.

It is not ok to break down years of progress made by women at large in terms of struggles fought on many levels.

I am delighted to see woman globally uniting and voicing their own truth.

It’s almost guttural and certainly from a very strong deep place inside. It’s certainly pro unity and taking a stand.

From madonna to Ashely Judd to Michael Moore. From the USA to australia. Unity.

Yes we are diverse. Yes we are a rainbow. Yes we are not the same. But yes we are united.

So where these odd men think they can sit around a table and legislate things that they will never understand.

A man will never understand the process of bearing a child. From conception to death of that same child.

And interestingly there is not a man on the planet who was not birthed through the channel of a women- and they dare to speak of respect – oh my word!

I would love for this to change biologically and maybe someday it will. When hormone patches were put onto men in a trial (perimenopause trial) 100% of them became unstable and unhappy to say the least, so it will truly be an interesting day if that does happen.

I am glad women at large have been riled and are speaking out. I do hope that there will  be ears that will listen and at the very least engage in debate and try to understand what it is that has riled womanhood.

I was riled yesterday to the point of boiling over into this article. Luckily in my case reason did prevail and I am very grateful. I will take this a a great positive step forward.

 

On giving birth and what I have learnt


I believe that from the moment of conception something changes inside of you. Something that you can not quite put your finger on and something that eventually is what one might call motherhood. That in itself is a whole dimension of complicated intertwined emotion and a whole lot more.

From the moment I knew that I was essentially a “mom” I was changed and I wanted only the very very best for this little creature growing inside of me who was body, spirit, soul.

This, combined with hormones (and they were certainly not friendly to me) was a complicated mix of “stuff” to deal with.

I knew that conception is natural. I knew that for 1000s of years women delivered babies at home. I also knew the flip side (being a doctor) and that many things can and do go wrong. This was not a good combo for me personally.

I delivered two babies naturally with epidurals that only worked on one side (both times – apparently I have a filament). The first time was with a “doula” and quite an elating experience. The second was without  (you can read my birth story for reason , I still wish I had had one rather). The second time around I was 39 and things really just never actually

went according to plan.

Long story short I had a near-death and out of body experience. The pain I had AFTER delivering was something I never ever wish to experience again. Despite being a doctor and complaining of pain I was treated unkindly (to say the least)(there are many other phrases I could use). I was eventually resuscitated and taken to theatre. It was unpleasant mildly put. I was not even able to really bond with my little for at least 48 hours. All of this could have been prevented. Recently I had surgery and realised that I had actually ruptured my uterus with the birth (this healed miraculously by itself). There are many miracles that happen every day. I thank God for mine.

I am writing this in part as catharsis and in part to women out there at large.

Lessons I have learnt :

1.) If you are in pain – you really are in pain and don’t let anyone tell you that you are not

2.) Pain (extreme pain ) always means that there is something not right and it needs to be figure out and fixed

3.) When you are over the age of 35 it may be better to cut your losses and have a caesarian section – provisor – if all goes 100% to plan at dates (term) and your labour progresses as it should by all means go for it. However if one requires induction, long labour etc have a caesarian section.

4.) Miracles do happen but medical science is very clever now make sure your “carers” do all they can in terms of what we know to date.

 

 

 

 

 

That baby fat – getting rid of “so how many months are you? grr”


Any lady who has been pregnant (well except those freaks of nature who only gain a few kgs and shed them immediately as you shed a jersey), will know that if you gain an excessive amount of weight during pregnancy it can be an incredibly hard task to shed them.

In my case it took me a long long time. It was around a year ago that I finally grew weary of the endless comments – “so how far along are you?” “when is your 3 rd baby due?”. Well I was not and my 2nd baby was already one, so yes why did I still look like a pregnant fairy?

I made up my mind that it was going – all of it and set some rigorous goals. And for me more than anything else it was that mindset and determination. Yes I cut out sugar and refined carbs. No I did not strictly “Bant” so to speak but I do believe I combined the best elements of “banting and Noakes ideas” with healthy eating and added in exercise where I could – although anyone with 2 children will know this is quite hard.

Slowly the kgs came off and most delightedly my waist line shrunk away.

Now the comments are along the lines of ” you are wasting away” – I can live with that. 🙂

beatiful bump -no this is not me

beatiful bump -no this is not me