I believe that from the moment of conception something changes inside of you. Something that you can not quite put your finger on and something that eventually is what one might call motherhood. That in itself is a whole dimension of complicated intertwined emotion and a whole lot more.
From the moment I knew that I was essentially a “mom” I was changed and I wanted only the very very best for this little creature growing inside of me who was body, spirit, soul.
This, combined with hormones (and they were certainly not friendly to me) was a complicated mix of “stuff” to deal with.
I knew that conception is natural. I knew that for 1000s of years women delivered babies at home. I also knew the flip side (being a doctor) and that many things can and do go wrong. This was not a good combo for me personally.
I delivered two babies naturally with epidurals that only worked on one side (both times – apparently I have a filament). The first time was with a “doula” and quite an elating experience. The second was without (you can read my birth story for reason , I still wish I had had one rather). The second time around I was 39 and things really just never actually
went according to plan.
Long story short I had a near-death and out of body experience. The pain I had AFTER delivering was something I never ever wish to experience again. Despite being a doctor and complaining of pain I was treated unkindly (to say the least)(there are many other phrases I could use). I was eventually resuscitated and taken to theatre. It was unpleasant mildly put. I was not even able to really bond with my little for at least 48 hours. All of this could have been prevented. Recently I had surgery and realised that I had actually ruptured my uterus with the birth (this healed miraculously by itself). There are many miracles that happen every day. I thank God for mine.
I am writing this in part as catharsis and in part to women out there at large.
Lessons I have learnt :
1.) If you are in pain – you really are in pain and don’t let anyone tell you that you are not
2.) Pain (extreme pain ) always means that there is something not right and it needs to be figure out and fixed
3.) When you are over the age of 35 it may be better to cut your losses and have a caesarian section – provisor – if all goes 100% to plan at dates (term) and your labour progresses as it should by all means go for it. However if one requires induction, long labour etc have a caesarian section.
4.) Miracles do happen but medical science is very clever now make sure your “carers” do all they can in terms of what we know to date.